I haven't written in quite a while.

It's been rough goin', here at the trailer park.

I don't know, but I might have moved out, without leaving the trailer.

My wife has, in the depths of her depression, again decided that it would be best for her to live alone, and requested that I print out and bring home the forms for the dissolution of our domestic partnership.  I said no.  If that is going to happen, and I'm not saying it is, it'll have to be after her situation is set up so that she has the resources to live alone.  

When she snags me in her depression, it's really easy to see that living apart can have very practical applications.  I can understand that my ability to have a life with succesful social contacts and engagement only magnifies the lacks in her life.  I have jokingly sign my messages "your salt," which she loves, or used to love.  I don't think I can use that anymore, because I see myself as salt in the wound of her loneliness.  I only want to help her get out of lonely feelings, not exacerbate them.

We've had lots of bad weather - snow and cold - and while we're relatively warm, have water and power [major problems with the last storm], the tires on our car can't make any purchase on the snow and ice.  Hence, I am relying on the kindess of friends, co-workers and relatives to get us/me to and fro.

It's ironic that tonight I'll be staffing our local shelter.  I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but it might be that I pass the second half of the night in the staff lounge in the library.  No, the cleaning people come  at night and it'd be weird.  Guess I'll hike up to my borther's and crash there.

My wife is in the middle of another depressive spell.  She has hardly any affect and, as mentioned above, wants to divorce me, for my own good.  I can't imagine not being with her, but I'm so tired of not being able to be of any apparent help, the thought of being somewhere else can be momentarily appealing.  But then I think of her here, trapped, and I'm all confused about my feelings.

I didn't have a session with my counselor on Friday - his mistake.  He called yesterday and said he had time today and tomorrow, but the car thing is a real hinderance.  I'm going to try and see him, though. I really need a steadier head and a trained observer to help me sort everything out.

Finances perpetually suck.  My salery is just not enough for our family.  Unfortunately, my wife's various conditions and disorders only allow her to see what is directly in front of her.  She doesn't do abstraction, and so can't seem to imagine that our conditions will improve.  Hell, she can't even imagine that there's the possibility of improvement.  "I'll die poor and alone!" is sometimes her mantra.  I try not to cry about that, but sometimes I can't stop myself.

I'm getting more and more sleep deprived.  I might actually move into the storageroom to see if that will help me sleep past 5am, which is when my wife gets up and gets dressed.  She's now back in bed, which is fine, as I know sleep resets her mood and cognition a bit.  Sleeping in the storageroom might make things better, but she can be awlfully loud if she pissed, which she seems to be without pause the last day or two.

Oh yes, About my sister.  Even though my wife urged me at least three, if not four, time to call and talk to my sister about coming over to watch television, I didn't.  I didn't call, it caused a problem which involved great declamations and waving of hands, and now my wife will "never go there again!"  That's where all the surface mad has come from, but unfortunately, there's a huge reservoir of mad that can keep that fire going indefinitely.

Tonight will add the problem of possibly seeing Ruthie at the shelter.  She was talking about being able to get a place off the streets when her money came in at the end of last month.  However, I saw her last Thursday in the library all day.  Someone, probably a voluteer for the warming place, came and picked her up shortly before it was to open  for the night.  I will just play it as it comes.

Still not sure how the transportation is going to work out - this weather is beautiful but a real pain in the ass!

Not sure how anything is going to turn out.  I tell my wife that I the one who's keeping my eye on the horizon, who's keeping our collective hope for a better future.  But at times like these, it really hard.

Time to tackle the world.

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